Dear Ms. Ivankovic/To Whom It May Concern, 

Hello. It quite saddens me that you will not be in good old Oakville at the time of your 16th birthday. This means that we, The Stairwell Girls™, cannot embarrass you by storming whichever classroom you happen to be in at the exact minute of your birthdate and sing a rousing rendition (remixed to include plenty of thrusts, and rapped over by Frank Lee Brown and Oliviaman, of course) of the classical hit, Happy Birthday. I also regret to inform you that I cannot deliver the following to you on the day of your birth:

• Hugh Laurie
• A Quidditch Team
• Nathan Fillion
• Jonathon Young
• Magic Powers
• A Late Letter from Hogwarts
• Anything else that is near impossible for a lazy 16-year-old to obtain.

However, I might be able to scrounge up a decent gift that may be satisfactory to one with such high demands. And now, I bid you adieu, as I must finish at least the first season of Sanctuary before your return from the far off land of Cuba. Have a superawesometastic day, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 

Signed,
Maryam Alam
(Ramalam)